DEEP THOUGHTS by Jack Handey

I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary. - Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it. - Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door. - Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine. - Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

As a young boy, when you get splashed by a mud puddle on the way to school, you wonder if you should go home and change, but be late for school, or go to school the way you are; dirty and soaking wet. Well, while he tried to decide, I drove by and splashed him again. - Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture. - Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me? - Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people. - Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you. - Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake. - Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not. - Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

There's nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves. - Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff. - Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness? - Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!" - Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. - Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back. - Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur. - Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point. - Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do. - Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man. - Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)