unHAPPY HOLIDAYS

I'm not Scrooge, but my sense of wonder at the season of Christmas is MIA. I love the music of Christmas and have been known to listen to it long before or long after the holiday. I love the greenery,...I wish we could have a live tree, as we did early in our lives, but, for us, a fake tree makes more sense, since we are visiting relatives in the southeast for at least a week or two during the holidays. I do miss the evergreen smell, but I can get a candle to reproduce that fragrance. Maybe that's a symptom of what has become my attitude at this time of year. I only feel pressure of the rush,...to get our decorations up, to make plans about when we will be at my parents house and Amy's parents house,...to find just the right gift for all those on my list,....to balance make sure of the funds in the bank, not only to fund Christmas but to pay property taxes before the end of the year, so we get the tax write off, so that it will help fund Holden's tuition next year in hopes that, along with my bonus, check, if it comes on time, will be enough. So you see,...behind my calm demeanor of "laid backness" this is the fury,.....so maybe what's really inside is cracking the facade. Maybe my joy of the seasonal decorations has been robbed by seeing it as just another facade,....that is almost like the passing smile of a stranger,...it's sweet and kind and causes a brief moment of joy and inspiration that the world is maybe not so bad, but then creeps in the doubts, was it real, was it just an involuntary reaction, does it really mean that the world is good and not bad? I do love the idea behind Christmas, that God did send His One and Only child to our rescue,....but I have lost the ability to connect that with all of the trappings of the holiday season. It was so much easier when Holden was small and believed in Santa,....which is really not connected to the reason for the season. I should go see the new Christmas Carol animated movie today to possibly wake me up to a new vision of the holiday,.....that the season is really not about me and all my worries,....that though they are here every single day,....that there is something GREATER THAN me and my difficulties to celebrate.